Monday, March 25, 2013

A "thank you" and a "why I need to thank you"

I feel like I want to write something rather personal and emotional about what happened on yesterday, and what happened after the first thing happened. Here, here and last but not least, here.

I know all of it was completely over the top, and I shouldn't make a big deal out of it. Today is a new day. But it was a big deal when it happened and therefore I just need to write this. Going to be completely honest because I'm not afraid to be honest.

Bear with me, it won't take long.

For starters, just let me say thank you to my friends and all of the sweet people who actually sat down and wrote me the nicest things, even though they certainly had no obligation to do so. Thank you. I really can't say how much it meant to me, I actually started to cry even more than before when I read through them. So I hope you know how much I love you, and that I have your back if anything bad ever happens to you.

With that said, I would just like to talk a bit about why I (over)reacted the way I did. I don't care at all about anon hate. I think it's ridiculous and cowardly, not worth any of my time or pain. When someone says I'm ugly or something about the way I dress, I just shrug my shoulders and laugh. You can't like everyone, so whatever. I don't think I'm ugly so they can say what they want. But the one thing I can't handle is when people comment on my body.

Like I wrote, that is the one thing that hurts. My weakest spot.

A relative once said ”wow, you've eaten so much! Are you really hungry already?” which had me crying right in the middle of IKEA - which happens to be my happy place. That's how quickly I snap when it comes to that subject. Yup. Not my proudest moment.

Now, don't get me wrong. My friends can assure you I'm a black food-hole, and it's not like I'm one of those attention-seeking people, you know the ”ew I'm so fat even though my BMI is 18 and oh my god I'm so huge please love me and tell me I'm pretty” kind of people. I really, really am not. I know I'm not extremely fat and I know I'm not ugly. I obviously wouldn't post fashion pictures if I thought of myself as a hideous monster. I'm confident in myself and I'm fine with how I look.

But without clothes (and sometimes with) I am a insecure about my body, and sometimes very insecure, I just prefer to keep that to myself and try to think that I'm wrong. It's how it is. Because we all have insecurities, that are very real, unlike constant public attention-seeking. It's human.

Although, people are ridiculously annoyed when people are actually honest about sometimes feeling bad about themselves. And well, I can see why attentionseeking on the level I described is annoying, because it kind of is, but a little insecurity is – like I sad – human.

I was afraid the long rant I gave in response would be interpreted like I actually was seeking attention.

No, I wasn't. I was just very upset, because it is such a horrible flashback of middle- and highschool bullying, and because I've had the problems I've had. I'm not going to go into detail, because I feel like that's not neccessary. I've been very ill, even though I hid it well and certainly don't look like it, and that's the past that has made me quite sensitive about those subjects. And besides, even without the past I've had, no one would be happy getting those kinds of comments. I spent my day crying and looking in the mirror, going through all my pictures, and behaving like a kid. I'm not proud of it. But that's what internet hate can lead to.

So please keep that in mind, if you ever write something nasty to someone online. The person doesn't only exist online, you know, and you don't know what kind of effect it might have on them.

I'm feeling a lot better today, and again, the people who wrote me has my heart and love. I was expecting hate, because I know how annoyed people are when it comes to people even making the smallest comment on their own looks, but instead I had gotten around 50 messages from people who understood me and tried to cheer me up. It was really overwhelming, it made me so happy.

Anyway, I'll stop writing now before someone misinterprets this as attention seeking as well. I just wanted to make a comment about it since it all was kind of overly dramatic. I'm sorry if anyone thought I was a complete asshole, but I snapped. Like people do sometimes.

Bottom line is I'm human, and I want to say thank you for accepting me for the human I am instead of only accepting that girl on the pictures.

Lots of love ♥