Friday, September 7, 2012

A part of my life story


This blog is usually about my interests and fashion, the fun things going on in my life. Today I want to write about something else. A more serious matter. I have to tell you something. 

A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type two. 
Basically; depression with periods of out-of-control and sometimes damaging happiness.

I will probably regret posting this later on. But right now, I want to tell my story.

I've been thinking so hard about how to write this for quite some time now. So many words to use. It's better to just keep it simple, right?

Well, the cat is out of the box now. 

Why am I writing this, you ask? Simple. I understand people I talk to frequently online have been wondering and worrying about me going to the hospital all the time. I've been tweeting about it, for example. I'm sorry if I made anyone worried in vain. I've been going to the hospital to do tests in order to get the right amount of medication to help me deal with the symptoms that comes with this diagnose. Blood samples, heart and liver function, ultra sounds, and so on. Nothing more serious than that. I'm actually happy I've finally gotten the help I need, weak as it may sound. 

Truth is, the past years have been hell for me. 

When I'm down, I don't like to write about it online. Or even talk to my friends about it. I do, but not very often. I feel annoying if I do. People in general seem to be deadly afraid of any kind of imperfection or weakness in other people, it's completely ridiculous. We're all different, but the one thing we have in common is that no one is perfect. People seem to me ignoring this. So I like to keep things to myself, most of the time.

It was all really confusing before I got it confirmed that something was "wrong" with me. The thing with bipolar disorder, is that it sort of resembles regular moodswings. Only these bipolar moodswings are ten times worse, follow a weekly schedule, and there's never even a second of peace and quiet. But still. It's like moodswings. So I thought I was supposed to feel as - pardon my french - fucking miserable and lost as I felt, because I was a teenager. I actually felt bad for letting it affect me as much as it did. When everyone else was coping with life, why couldn't I? 

For a week or two I would sit on the couch, playing video games, watching TV. Or just stare at nothing, depending on how bad it was. I did push myself to do something each day though. Like seeing a friend, or going into town, taking a walk. Dressing up and taking an outfit picture. Just because if I sat all day the guilt and anxiety would kill me. 

"Oh god my friends will forget me and they will find new friends and I'm going to die alone and never accomplish anything in my life, I need to do something" 

Even if I felt like crying and thought everything I said just sounded stupid, I pushed myself to smile and act normal. For as long as I needed. Then it was back to the couch, completely exhausted and empty. Constantly tired, sleeping twice as much as I should. Completely lost my appetite. Got anxiety attacks over the most irrational things. I would literally kill myself with angst over something stupid I said in kindergarten, seriously. It wasn't fun at all, I tell you. 

Then out of the blue, I would wake up one morning feeling like superman. 

This phase is one I still have to deal with, since I've been given the medication that only affects my down periods, while waiting for the one that needs more "investigating" before knowing how much I will need of it. 

It's the weirdest feeling ever. I feel super creative. I can't stay still for one second, I just run around with all these ideas and everything is so much fun. In fact, it's so much fun I can't decide what I want to do first, so I end up doing a hundred things at once and leave unfinished projects all over the apartment. It's good, in a way, the extra creativity is something I like. But it's so stressful not being able to stop. And it's definitely not fun losing big chunks of your memory, noticing you've spent all your money on ebay on things you don't remember buying. 

It only gets that bad over the night, though. You see, I stop sleeping during these manic periods. The brain gets a little crazy with no sleep. I can at least pretend to act normal, if not a lot happier than usual, during the day. 

I actually prefer my down periods over my up periods. 

And the carousel goes round, and round, and round. Never slowing down. 

When I stopped going to school completely, since my depressive weeks were longer than my manic days, my parents finally accepted the fact that I might be "sick". Both my aunts are bipolar, and my mum has seen how hard it was for them before they got help. They're fine now, living life like everyone else, but it was still hard for her to accept that I was going through the same hell as she had seen her sisters go through. I don't blame her, I wouldn't want to see my kid in the state I was. By the end of last year I finally started seeing a doctor in order to find out why things had gotten so bad.

It was such a relief getting my diagnose. 

A massive weight lifted off my shoulders, learning my moodswings weren't normal. I could get help. Feel like everyone else, get back on my feet. I didn't have to experience this emotional rollercoaster for good.

I've been through a lot in my life. In short words, was bullied all the way up to sixth grade. I came across a person that mentally abused me and controlled me up to eight grade. I comfort ate and locked myself inside, afraid of people. I became overweight. I lost weight. Ended up battling an eating disorder, which I've still not fully recovered from, to be honest. Then came this complete crash. 

Through all this I've never given up, though, and I can say that I'm proud of myself. Even at my lowest point I've still fought to make things better, looked for that light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually I've learned to keep my head high and stay strong, no matter what. Because I am strong. Even if I have to live and deal with this diagnose for the rest of my life, I know I can do it. It's not the end of the world. My aunts are living normal lives with their families. So do and can I. Life will be good for me. 

Just because I have a diagnose it doesn't mean I'm no longer human, or that I've lost my personality, have to be treated any differently. I hate that people seem to think so. Really. Especially with bipolar disorder, it really doesn't affect you at all, if you're lucky enough to get the right help and have people around you to support you when you need them.

I'm really happy with my life now. I'm over all just... happy. I'm so grateful for my friends and for everything that's going so well for me, in every way. Things are really looking up. 

No one will probably read this all the way to the end. I know I wrote quite a lot, haha. But I want to be honest about this. I'm not ashamed and I wanted to clear things up, for those who have been wondering. I wanted to give a message too, I suppose. 

Stay strong and you can do anything. 

Time to say goodbye. If you've stayed with me until now, thank you for reading. I appreciate it. 
Just going to post this now before I regret being so honest. 

Go on and have a wonderful day

40 comments:

  1. I read the whole thing, and in my opinion you're really strong for telling all your readers so openly about this. Lots of love, glitter and hugs from your Finnish fan~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, I was so worried how this would be seen orz Thank you ♥ A whole bucket of love back to you in Finland! And even more glitter, haha~

      Delete
  2. Reading this I nearly started to cry it almost makes me look up to you more than before ;A;

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my, thank you ♥ I'm sorry it made you sad! But hearing you look up to me really made me flattered and happy... so thank you -hugs-

      Delete
    2. Something messed up with my reply here, it didn't answer as me ( o o) I had to reply twice, sorry haha

      Delete
  3. you are amazing sweetie! Your story is acctually very similar to mine, I was bullied until 8 grade, when I almost died from an extreme eating disorder...
    I also have depression and anxiety now, but I try to keep my everydays busy, so that I don´t have that much time to think about it...
    I feel like you are very brave and wonderful to write this, and I respect you very much for it :) Please take care <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my god. I'm so glad you're at least better now, even though you're still struggling. You're so admirable sweetheart! ♥ keep fighting okay? -hugshugs- And thank you ♥ I will take care, you should too~!

      Delete
  4. I read everything too. It's really a moving story ;-; Please stay strong!
    Sending love from Poland <3 ^u^

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sending love back to Poland dear ♥ Thank you, I will! You too, and I hope you're having a really good day so far!

      Delete
  5. awwh saga >< this made me cry, too! You're so brave and inspirational! thankyou for talking about it, even though it's hard. You make me want to try harder in therapy. Don't forget that everyone is here for you and we all LOVE YOU!! Hwaiting!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Keep on fighting dear. Even though it might be hard, there is a way to work yourself out of everything. Just keep believing in yourself! ♥ Love back to you!

      Delete
  6. I've always been too shy to talk to you, but now I really want to tell you that, even though I don't know you, I think you are a wonderful and beautiful person. It's so brave of you to write about this, you really are amazing.
    Much love to you, stay strong~! ♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aw, why have you been shy? Don't be! You seem so nice I can't believe it ♥ thank you for this lovely comment. I wish you the best~!

      Delete
  7. Wow thank you for doing this <3 you are right, no body is perfect and more should be open like you <3

    ReplyDelete
  8. You are very strong for sharing your story like this--I know a few people with the same diagnosis and it was very hard for them to come out to me and other people about it because they were frightened about what people would say to them. It takes a lot of strength for someone to state something like this so openly, and for that I applaud you.

    I'm glad you're getting the help you need as well! Best of luck to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess it's because people think a diagnosis means you can't function properly as a person, or whatever. Everyone is so afraid of it but I think, in general, we all have a little bit of something. Like I said, no one is perfect. I'm glad I'm met with all this positiveness! It really boosts my spirits! So thank you for that ♥ I wish you all the best too!

      Delete
  9. I've always thought you were so amazing for seeming to be happy all the time even though the world can be so cruel, but reading this (yes I read the whole thing :) ) and now knowing what you've been through just makes you that much more inspiring and incredible. I look up to you for being so strong and bold throughout all you've been through.

    Sorry for the long, sappy comment, but I thought you should know how I felt :) Stay strong <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Really? Aw. Thank you, that means a lot to me. In general I am a very happy person, at least now! Knowing people like you actually don't think negatively about me for posting this is so encouraging. So thank you again! Don't apologize, your comment was incredibly appreciated ♥♬

      Delete
  10. I think it's good that you wrote about this, I hope it made you feel a bit better. And good luck fighting with the disease, I'm sure you'll be fine, you do seem to be a strong person. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm quite happy now, like I said, I just wanted to write this to clear things up to those who have been asking. But thank you for your concern, it's very touching ♥ I will be fine! Hope you're good too!

      Delete
  11. you seem like an interesting girl. :)
    I don't know you, but telling the world about this shows how strong you are (/can be).
    just don't give up and you'll be able to fight everything that comes in your way! ^-^

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thankies ♥ Of course, so can everyone. I will! Hope you're having a really good weekend ( ^ ^)

      Delete
  12. It's really good that you've been so honest, and very brave too, if you ever need some support everyone here is more then happy to chat to you when you need it :) you've been very inspiring! keep being strong!! xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awh, how nice of you! That's really very touching ♥ Wish you the best dear!

      Delete
  13. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder too a few years ago, and I can totally relate. It was brave of you to post this. <3 I hope now that you're getting help you'll start feeling better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you ♥ I am already feeling a lot lot better, thankfully. I hope you are coping with everything too!

      Delete
  14. you're a beautiful and creative person, who many people admire, and who should admire you more for posting this.
    i hope the medication helps you and things get easier. keep on being fabulous xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much ♥ You are an amazing person for sending me this comment, aw. It means a lot to me. Things are already much easier!

      Delete
  15. This was a wonderful read. I've been pretty stressed and busy so your strength motivates me to keep going and keep smiling. Its sad, I realized that sometimes I will stop smiling and not be my happy self even when I'm out with the people I love and they're giving me their best and trying to make me happy. Thats not right, I've got to be strong and smile and be positive. Thank you for sharing your story, you wrote it beautifully. I think you'll continue to help a lot of people. I'm sure there's someone who feels the same way and has no idea there might be something else going on.

    I applaud your strength and wish you the very best! Continue being amazing and living life as you do! <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not saying you should suppress your feelings and ignore them though, that will only make them worse. Stay strong and fight, talk to people about how you're feeling and let them be there for you and help you find ways to feel better! Holding my head high and smiling is what I do when people are mean to me, but being honest with friends is something I'm trying to get better at.

      Sorry for making that so long, pep talk~ thank you for your comment dear! You to, I wish you all the goodness ♥

      Delete
  16. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS

    ReplyDelete
  17. This is amazing! Keep your head up high girl. You got nothing to be ashamed of! <3

    ReplyDelete
  18. "People in general seem to be deadly afraid of any kind of imperfection or weakness in other people, it's completely ridiculous."

    That's a beautiful and perfect line. I'm not sure if I actually have anything wrong, but for the past few years (since I've been in college) I've been fighting something like depression. From the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed I just have a deep, empty, sad feeling. I can usually find things that cheer me up, but only for a few minutes. Right because I go to sleep is the worst because all I do think think think, which inevitably makes me feel worse. When this first started I tried talking to my family and friends about it, but it got to the point where I could tell they were annoyed or irritated with me. One of my friends even told me I made her uncomfortable when I talked to her about how I felt and cried. I can't even cry in front of my own friend because I'm suppose to be happy and cheerful all the time, which is unfair.

    If you can be strong after all you've been through, so can I. Maybe if I start believing this it will become true, "Life will be good for me."

    ReplyDelete
  19. Reading your story made me really sad, dear anon, it touched my heart. I can relate a lot to what you described. Especially this "before I go to sleep all I do is think, think, think" part, that's exactly how I described some of my own feelings to my mum. It's terrible to feel that way and I feel for you, really.

    If I were to give you any advice, it would be to seek some professional help. Like a doctor, a teacher at school/the school nurse (I don't know how old you are though), or someone else who's job is to listen to you. And if your friends react like that... I'm sorry to put this so briskly, but they can't be very good friends if they find you annoying when you cry. That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

    It's not wrong in any way to seek professional help when you feel you need it. Even though you need to be strong on your own, you need someone to support you and cheer you on. It's also something that has helped me focus and stay strong. Just knowing someone is there to follow my progress makes me want to hold my head even higher. Idk now I'm just wordpooping, but hang in there. There's always a way out of anything. I believe in you!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hello, I just started reading your blog and I think you are awesome. After I read this post I decided to share this story with you...I've been trough similar stuff. I had and probably still have anxiety disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder...and depression, I've been dealing with anxiety since I was 8, and now I am 15. It's been so hard for me, I can completely understand your feelings, I would feel guilty, and I had fears that I will die soon, or what if all of this is actually unreal, what if I'm just imagining this world...and for an 9 year old kid those were really tough thoughts...I would often cry, and the biggest problem was that I didn't even know what that is, I didn't know what anxiety is... and my mum was very worried but she denied that I had any problems, but anyways she sent me to psychiatrist. After I went to my psychiatrist, who is still today my doctor, I felt like I am absolutely crazy, I grew up with thought that I'm different, even sometimes when the anxiety would pass for few months, I was ashamed of myself, because rest of kids didn't have such problems, so I just kept it there. For myself. And so it passed for a year, but I would get some anxiety attacks time to time. After I thought everything was going great, my parents almost divorced, I hated them and my life. I was I think 12 or 11 at that time, thank God they didn't but it was awful summer. When school started, after that summer, I was bullied by my former best friend, my whole class hated me and they would throw stuff at me, I would come crying everyday after school. And then my mum came and decided to stop it for me, since I was very weak back then. It stopped, yes. And I was happy, I found out for korean pop, japanese music, and I enjoyed life...until Christmas 2010, I met one guy on internet, and not only me, he connected with every of my friends, and he would often blackmail me with suicide, like * it is your fault if I kill myself * and then he would be all fine, I felt so anxious, so tired of my life. And that's when my depression begun, all of that, again..even worse. On the summer 2011 I had the feeling of unreal again, but this time everything seemed unreal for me. I felt so far away from this world, so I had to go back to my doctor, I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression + obsessive compulsive disorder. That was the worst summer of my life. But now, after all of that, (I took anti depressions, Zoloft) I am fine. I am finally happy, even still sometimes I feel anxious, but I am happy. And your blog makes me happy haha! I just want to tell you that you will be fine, it just takes time. It's all normal for us, teenagers. It's really good that u got help. And please, I know I wrote too much, but thats pretty much my life story for now xD
    Hope you will read this, I just want to let you know that you're not alone in this. Btw, awesome fashion you have :*

    ReplyDelete
  21. Wow, thank you for this comment. You didn't write too much, it's very touching you wanted to share your story with me. It was an interesting read (I mean it's interesting to hear someone else's story, who has been through similar things), even if it's painful to hear you've been through such painful stuff. I'm so glad you're feeling a lot better now! Let's both keep on fighting allright ♥ I wish you the best, and I hope things will only look up from now. You're not alone either!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Jag läste alllting och ville bara åååå krama om Dig /.\
    hoppas du får det grymt bra i livet~~

    ReplyDelete